The Death of Caillou
by sonicfan777
Summary: Caillou is upset because he wants to go to the park, but no one will take him there. Meanwhile, Caillou's Mom struggles to get dinner ready before some guests arrive, and Caillou's Dad accidentally forgets to save his work while doing his taxes and has to start over!
1. Doris Schmidt

It was a nice day outside and Caillou wanted to go to the park.  
>"Mommy?" he whined. "Can we go to the park?"<br>Caillou's Mom was not pleased. She shouted, "Shut the fuck up you worthless piece of shit! If you ask me one more fucking time, I'll spank your lame little ass so hard you'll be spitting out teeth!"  
>Then she saw the cameras rolling. She had forgotten they were on television. "…Oh god are we on air?" she said sheepishly. "I-I meant.. um… not right now sweetie. I'm very busy. Maybe tomorrow."<br>"But Mommy, I wanna go to the park today!" screamed Caillou.  
>Just then, there was a knock on the door. "That must be the pizza I ordered," said Caillou's Dad, coming downstairs.<br>He opened the door to see Officer Tyrone and his partner, Officer Williams, standing outside. "Are you Mr. Boris Schmidt?" asked Officer Williams.  
>"What the hell?!" shouted Caillou's Dad. "I thought this was America. The pizza's supposed to arrive faster than the police. I'd like to give the Dominos manager a little piece of my mind… and a piece of my fist!"<br>"Yo man," said Officer Tyrone. "This is Canada. That American bullshit don't apply here!"  
>"Sir," said Officer Williams, "We have reasonable suspicion that your wife has been physically abusing your son, and we are here to to search the premises."<br>"I thought you needed probable cause or a warrant in order to search the house," said Caillou's Dad.  
>"Nah man," said Officer Tyrone. "You still forgettin', this is Canada. We don't need no probable cause to search yo' shit. Yeah, dat's right, I'ma be touchin' all yo' stuff." Then he turned to Officer Williams and said, "Come on, man, let's find his porn collection. This man look like a pervert to me."<br>"Let's keep it professional, please," said Officer Williams to Officer Tyrone.

"Damn, man, why you gotta be so 'by the book'?" complained Officer Tyrone  
>Meanwhile, Caillou was listening, and asked, "Daddy, what's porn?" he asked.<br>"What the fuck did you just fucking say to me, you little bitch?" shouted Caillou's Dad. "I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I've been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in guerilla warfare and I'm the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You're fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that's just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little "clever" comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now you're paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You're fucking dead, kiddo."  
>Then Caillou's Dad went to get a belt to beat Caillou with and Caillou started to cry. He cried so hard he choked on his spit and died.<br>"It's finally over! He's dead! We're free!" shouted the whole world at once. Everybody lived happily ever after.

The End


	2. Officer Tyrone

Officer (now Sergeant) James Tyrone of the Toronto Police Department went home after a long, satisfying day at work, which included defeating Caillou, for which he and his partner had both been awarded the Toronto PD Medal of Honor, and promoted to Sergeant in a makeshift ceremony at the police station. He had also gotten calls from numerous world leaders, all offering him medals and/or rewards of hefty sums of money. The Queen of England had awarded him an MBE and knighthood! He had his ceremony next week at the Royal Palace in England. "Sir Sergeant James Tyrone, MBE," he said to himself. "Damn, that sounds nice! Maybe I'll get an honorary Ph.D., too! Then I'll be Sir Dr. Sergeant James Tyrone, MBE, Ph.D.!"

What he had forgotten was that his fiancée Tyra had texted him earlier that day, saying that she had gotten a job in Houston, Texas, and asking him if he would move there with her. He was in a meeting at the time, so he quickly texted back, "Congratulations! I need time to think about it, though." Ooh, wrong answer, Sergeant Tyrone. Wrong answer.

He got home from work and opened the front door of his house and cheerfully called out, "Honey! I'm home!" When he didn't get an answer, he called out, "Honey?" Now he was getting worried. He walked into the living room, and suddenly the lamp was turned on, revealing a very angry Tyra sitting on the couch with her arms folded. "What's the matter, honey?" he asked.

"Oh, you in big trouble, mister!" was all Tyra said back.

"Okay, but what did I do?" asked Sergeant Tyrone.

"You know what you did!" shouted Tyra.

"No, I don't, and you're scaring me," replied Sergeant Tyrone. "Please tell me what's wrong."

"You 'need time to think about it?'" shouted Tyra. "You NEED TIME TO THINK ABOUT IT? Boy, if you puttin' yo' job before our relationship, the only thing you gonna be thinkin' 'bout is how you done screwed up and lost a _damn_ fine woman."

"I'm sorry, baby," he replied. "I was just really busy at work. Did you know I got promoted to sergeant?"

"Oh really?" said Tyra. "Well, congratulations, Sergeant Shithead! If you like yo' job so much, I'll even help you out and give you a crime to solve: 'Who's gonna murder yo' ass?' I'll give you a hint: it's me! You got some explainin' to do!"

"I'm sorry babe," he said. "I was in a meeting at the time, and I didn't have time to think it through. After all, you gotta admit, it _is_ a big decision."

"Bahhh! Wrong answer, Sergeant Assface!" shouted Tyra. "Boy, you lucky I even still here right now! And other woman woulda dumped yo ass as soon as they got that text message."

"Well maybe I would've agreed to move with you if you weren't such a bitch," Sergeant Tryone snapped at her without thinking.

"What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch?" shouted Tyra. "I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I've been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in guerilla warfare and I'm the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You're fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that's just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little "clever" comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now you're paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You're fucking dead, kiddo."

"Alright, babe, calm down," sighed Officer Tyrone. "I'll move to Houston with you."


End file.
